CONVERSATIONS WITH GOD PART FOUR

Dear God,

 

I’m coming to you today with pain in my heart and confusion in my head.  It’s like as soon as I think I have a grasp on things, I realize that I really don’t.  The more I learn the more I know nothing.  It really is a trip. 

 

Sometimes this gift feels like a curse and it hurts to my very core.  There are times when I wish I didn’t see anything so I don’t have to see the evil.  But I know I have to take the bad with the good. 

 

They say You wouldn’t have put that dream in my heart if You didn’t want me to pursue it.  But with every step I take towards it, I get knocked around.  What is going on God?  There is an energy that is actively working to keep me trapped inside this prison.  And honestly I’m getting tired.  They same people I thought You sent to help me seem to be working against me.  Hence the confusion. 

 

Sometimes I think it’s because I’m not pretty.  If I looked a certain way, whether or not I was righteous at heart, I’d be heard and accepted as truth.  But because I look like the light skinned Celie, I am shunned and made to feel like I have nothing to give.  Now, I never was one to get by on my looks so it’s not like I’m letting that stop me.  But, from observation, I can see that I am being intentionally kept down because of it.   I know I ain’t crazy. 

 

Look how the world treated Lauryn Hill.  When she was participating in the world’s expectations of a woman, the world loved her.  But when she abandoned the flesh, (makeup, fancy clothes, cut her hair) unplugged and came as truth with no pretense; the world including her “fans” turned their backs on her and called her crazy.  She dispelled all illusion and with that showed us who we really were.  Yet and still some folk continue to call her crazy and wait for her “return”.  If they only knew. Thank You for sending her to us.  She is indeed Your angel.      

 

Or maybe it’s because I’m not hard enough.  I don’t subscribe to certain behaviors.  I prefer peace and joy, even if it means I enjoy it alone.  Of course I’m never alone as long as I have You.  But You feel what I’m saying.    

 

I hear, “know your role in the kingdom.”  Then when I stand and embrace it, I’m knocked down again.  I am asking You for clarity.  Help me to know Your purpose for me and order my steps. 

 

You know my hearts true desires, while people only see the physical actions.  So I am leaning on You, God; for clarity and instruction.  I will continue to do as You will.  I know You got this.

 

Love You and Thank You

CONVERSATIONS WITH GOD - PART THREE

Dear God,

Checking in.  Life is a trip.  Am I losing my mind?  It’s like I be seeing that spirit move.  It’s messing with my mentals.  On the flip side, I can see You too.  So that’s good.  Still scary but comforting too.  Let me say this before I forget, I’m trusting in You.  I know You got this. 

Can I holla at You about something?  You know they making a bio pic on Tupac’s life.  Of course You do.   Hello.  I’m pumped cause Mama Afeni is now on board.   First thing I thought of was P.A.  I would love to be a production assistant on this joint.  

Remember when Na Na played Tupacalypse Now for me.  Brenda’s Got A Baby.  Deep.  Part Time Mutha.  That was the cut too.  But You know what got me.  Wordz of Wizdom.  “Nightmare.  That’s what I am.  America’s nightmare.  I am what you made me.  The hate and the evil that you gave me.  I shine as a reminder of what you’ve done to my people for 400 plus years.  You should be scared.  You should be running.  You should be trying to silence me.  But you cannot escape fate. When it’s my turn to come; just as you rose you will fall.   By my hands.  America.  You reap what you sow.”     Third eye opened right up. 

Then I got familiar with the life behind the music.  It was over.  Stan for life.  Fuck that.  Stan for eternity.  But seriously.  “Who do you believe in?  I put my faith in God, blessed and still breathing.  And even though it’s hard, that’s who I believe in.  Before I’m leaving, I’m asking the grieving; who do you believe in?”

I get it.  I know why You chose Pac.  I know I ain’t the only one.  I would love to be around that energy.  I would love to put in work.  If it’s Your will.  I surrender to Your will.  P.A. or not.  Whatever You want me to do, I will.  I wouldn’t be who You made me to be, if I didn’t ask.  But it’s whatever You want it to be. 

Thank You.  Love You. 

CONVERSATIONS WITH GOD - PART TWO

Dear God,

Hey, of course we have to start with the thanks.  Thank you, for your mercy, guidance, grace and love.  I know you will continue to light my path.  The “mistakes”, although all mine, I believe I was supposed to make.  So thank you for keeping me through it all.  

God, I’ve been tripping lately.  Letting anger get a grip on my heart and mind.  I’m still pissed. I don’t know who is who and who.  Who working for You and who working against You.  The pain and embarrassment of the past 14, 15 years takes my breath away.  It hurts so bad that I shiver every time I think about it.  I well up with anger and lose all compassion.  Fuck ‘em all. 

Then I hear a quiet whisper telling me to forgive.  In my heart, I know I must.  It’s the only way to free myself.  But I don’t know how.  Every time I try, something else happens that reignites that fire.  And the flames are burning like a ma’fa.  Please help me understand.   

Help me to withstand.  They can draw tears, they can even draw blood.  But they will not break my spirit.  They will not take my soul.  I have the power of You, the one true God within me.  You are my armor, my shield and my sword.  Let Your will be done.  

Bless and keep those souls that are Your soldiers and my protectors; You know who is true and who ain’t.  I trust in You and that You will continue to guide us.  Gods will be done.

Forgive me for my sins and help me right my wrongs.  Help me continue healing and growing spiritually.  Teach me Your ways and I will.    

Thank You God, I love You. 

CONVERSATIONS WITH GOD - PART 1

Dear God,

First let me say thank You for Your mercy and grace.  Even when I was hatin’ on You God, You never stopped lovin’ me.  I remember being so tired of the pain and heartache.  I remember moms telling me to pray.  

The first time I heard Your voice.  It was like thunder…”Our middle schools have bars on the peak rooms.  They are preparing our children for prison.”  When I turned around there You were in the form of a middle aged brother who’s mild mannered demeanor was in total contradiction to the power of his voice.  This was the communities call to action.  Remember after the meeting I approached the man and asked for a job because he had his own construction business.  He wasn’t hiring and invited me to church with him and his family.  Food and fellowship.  You know a nigga ain’t gonna say no to soul food Sunday.  It still funny after all these years.  You don’t have to dress up, casual is how we get down; so I wore my Tupac shirt with a jeans and tennis shoes.  I sat in the back while the man and his family sat up front.  Then watched in amazement as the man walked up to the pulpit in his overalls and t-shirt and started the service.  Get the fuck outta here, dude is a preacher.  God, You got game.  I remember it like it was yesterday.  

I studied Revelations like You told me.  I wrote like you told me.  But then something happened.  The Tempter snuck up from behind and whooped on a bitch for what felt like eternity.  Flashbacks and memories, the devil still be gettin’ at me.  

I know You say You don’t give us more that we can bear.  But it did feel like a nigga’s back was broke.  Like 24; every hour it’s something new.  Just when I heal one scar, another appeared.  Slowly anger crept back into my spirit and I rebuked You.  Held the hate in my heart for You because losing the same love twice in a lifetime felt like an emotional hoax; a cruel joke I just couldn’t understand.  

But You never left a nigga alone.  Every time I ran away from You, I ran to You without even knowing.  And with each step I took, You healed me a lil’ more.  I know I still have some more work to do.  Sometimes I complain too much and I’m sometimes I forget to tell You thank you.  But I just wanted to say I love You God.  I don’t think that I tell you enough, that I love You.  

Oh and by the way, a nigga’s back is getting stronger every day.  It’s me and You, against the world…I’m ready.